Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. It surely sounds as if he has some kind of sleep disorder and likely its treatable. Instead, consider it a way of filling up the time when your husband is unavailable to you by surrounding yourself with people you love. with Women Other Than Your Wife He completely denied there was even an issue. Often when people feel betrayed, theyre so wrapped up in hurt and anxiety that they lack curiosity about the person they feel betrayed by. That is not done. Why does my husband get so defensive about his family? He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. I don't like his ex either but I'm still cordial out of respect for my step-daughter. my husband defends his mother despite it I just re-read my last comment. Is there a happy medium? A: Ive said before that I dont think a man confesses his infidelity to his wifes sister because he really wants it to remain a secret. On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb. A: Its good to hear from someone who has lived this ugly dynamic, and was able to change it. He has lied to the counselor about his texting relationship with his colleague. that she didn't want to be one of the ex's casualties???? Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. My All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. When a wife brings an issue such as this to her Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! He can comment all he wants about his family and deal with them BUT the same goes for me. Now, I always suspected this was because I am not very bigIm about 3.5 inches erect, and I tend to ejaculate quickly. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. But you do not want to spend sleepless nights debating whether to get a matching ottoman. Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. So you shouldnt have any trouble finding some talking points for the substance of your argument. A: Im always going to vote for prioritizing the innocent nonracists over the racist. My name is Vic, and I started living with my sister in 2013 because my parents wanted me to change from one environment to another. He would tell me that he doesnt wanna hurt her feelings, which made me feel less than. A husband who, in a situation of conflict, sides against his wife may be hiding deep-seated resentment toward her. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Am I ok, maybe just a little too concerned or is this something I should talk about with someone? it sounds like you may have found common ground. That's awesome. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. That gives him th We didnt want a religious wedding that could take longer, but my mother-in-law demanded it. He was annoyed and I agreed with him. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. Well, I'm glad that you two have found the same page to be on. But it sounds as if youre both employed and making good financial choices. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. Harry Potter star Evanna Lynch says J.K. Rowling deserves more grace amid claims that the author is transphobic. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. My Husband Is Mourning His Dead Mistress: Three months ago, the woman who was having an affair with my husband died suddenly from an accident. They think I quit drinking for health reasons (partially true). This woman will take this as it's ok for her to continue with her antics. David M. Benett. Q. Im worried about him, although during the day hes one of the happiest people Ive ever met. My husband gets angry whenever I say anything about his family. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. I don't exactly see that is speaking ill of her. Maybe the ex is intimidating (always a leader that meets their match). That's awesome. Why does my husband get so defensive about his family? - MedHelp . 2. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. First, you need to ask and answer the kinds of questions I mentioned above while giving each other the space to be honest with yourselves and each other. If I say anything about it, he jumps all over me, After the baby comes, you can discuss with your parents whether they want to provide baby-sitting services. I couldn't help it but I just laughed. You Husband Is Having An Affair With Her. Sometimes MOM is the leader of the pack and whether he thinks it's right or wrong he will stand up for his own. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. These are: 1. First it was the older one, and now her younger sister is doing the same. I have been with this man for 2 years and we have a baby. We are currently living together and are starting to get our careers going. I always politely decline, but Id really like it if he stopped. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. No worries about the "slamming" comment/joke etc. If you want to create not just trust but closeness in your marriage, youll need to allow room for the truth by inviting it in. Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. All this is to say, maybe your husband is crossing a line and not telling you, or maybe hes not and your demands are simply pushing him away. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. I'm guessing he just wanted to avoid the topic all together and was hoping it would just go away??? Heres where we disagree though: My husband thinks we should just start trying and see what happens. I am just being direct and honest. Convince him to do this right way before the baby comes and his crying and thrashing is just part of the general background noise. Sure. With our first child expected in a few months, these night terrors have become an almost every-night occurrence, and its fraying my nerves and causing me to lose sleep. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? I can tell, though, that shes hurt by these remarks. They will be mortified when they become adults and look back at this. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. As for the issue with his sister, he and I got in an arguement over his sister because I told him something she did that he needed to know because it affected other family members and in order for nothing to get out of hand he had to know. I just don't understand it and I can't even say it to my husband or he gets mad at me and acts like I'm being ridiculous. When they insult their mother, in a neutral tone say, Thats a rude thing to say. My husband keeps letting his sister bully me: Ask Ellie He believes you must handle this on your own, but that's cowardice on his part and/or he fears his sister (Questions may be edited.). Hes told you flat out he cant work on his marriage because hes too torn up about the death of the woman he loved. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. Since it has been quite some time since I went through these rituals, I expected them to change. Q. Celebration Overload: I have three sons in their late 20s and early 30s. Include your own parents in your family holidays and when he is buying sarees for his mom, buy the same ones for your mom too. Dear Therapist: My Husband As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. I would recommend them to everyone who needs any metal or Fabrication work done. That may be because he discusses his plans with the home before Of course there are consequences to peoples behavior, but there are also consequences to creating an environment where it cant come to light. I hope it continues to go well. My cousin is a quiet and kind person who has never had a bad word to say about anyone. Spouse Had an Affair? Beware How You Handle Your Anger Your mother is my friend, so just as I hope you would stick up for a friend who was being treated terribly, Im going to ask you to stop insulting her.. Im also a little pessimistic, so I fear that he got this boyfriend to have someone better than me. A: Steve, you know Ive decided to stop drinking. If they think an American college is a waste of money but you have always aspired for one for your son, put your foot down. Should I tell my sister why I hate her husband, and more advice My friend and her sister have decided that what their dad needs is a puppy, so he has a purpose to his day and a reason to get out of the house for walks and dog training classes, and theyve decided to gift him a puppy as a surprise. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. What may have started off as privacytexts between friendshas now moved into secrecy, not necessarily because hes doing anything wrong, but because of something going on between the two of you. I think I may show this thread to my husband. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. (especially if you have children). Again, one would need to know history and dynamics. What do I say when people ask me how Jim is doing? What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? Beyond simple flirting and physical attraction, You really have gotten good advice above. 2) You two need to have a different conversation, one that doesnt involve assumptions and ultimatums. I imagine they are encouraged to speak to their mother harshly, and sadly, it becomes a bonding point with their father. Kind of a shoot the messanger thing. The question is: How can you give her this information without making her feel attacked, when shes clearly feeling desperate to do something to make her father feel better? Anything else is just tolerating (and therefore enabling) his racism. He quit his job, saying it was too traumatic to go to work. I came to an even playing ground. My sister-in-law is repeatedly nasty to me and I find it upsetting and unjustified. He especially hates it when I say anything about the releationship his mother has with his ex-wife. WebOriginally Answered: My husband listens to his sisters alot and what they say goes for me and our marriage. Ok, hope that makes more sense than my last comment. Frankly, I think this is celebration overload and, in its own way, detracts from the seriousness of these events. My husband supports everyone else but me. Why does he do this Like perhaps she was/is afraid that if she doesn't treat this woman well, that she'll then be the next target. His mother went overboard with affection to the person she claims to hate. Theres a difference in a relationship between privacy (space that everyone needs in healthy relationships) and secrecy (which tends to be corrosive). If your boyfriend is the one doing the flirting with his female friends, then he's probably doing it on purpose. I made my family (me, husband and kids) the way we wanted to be. My sister has been married to her emotionally and verbally abusive husband for 35 years. He's trying to make you jealous and you absolutely need to be worried because you have to ask him why he's doing this. Here are two different ways to look at your situation: 1) Your husband is a no-good liar and you should leave him. Mean Girls: My cousin and I are both in our 40s and grew up together. But not choose her publicly. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. I called him a mamas boy. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. But if they are essentially decent people, it will echo. He says shes dead, so theres no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. But you do not need their permission for baby-making. How do I deal with this? He says no. My Partner Doesnt Defend Me. What Now? - Bustle My friend is handling things all right but is more concerned about her now-widower father, who is apparently struggling to leave the house and has nothing to do (he is retired). Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. That will be Tuesday, Jan. 18, since were off on Monday. At this point, I am tired of being treated like a heartless person because I do my best to stay away from him. Before the baby comes, you and your husband need to get on the same page as far as dealing with his family is concerned. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. . A sister who when he was living with her had kicked him out for no reason, no notice because her husband at the time said so. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. The reason I know this is because he told me! And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. If this is my reaction, should I break up with him or try to work on it? Our parents were mostly living paycheck to paycheck. He had numerous affairs during the late 90s and early 2000s (and perhaps But ultimatums dont do muchthey might seem to resolve the dilemma, but often they simply drive the real issue underground. Knowing this was the cause of our argument yesterday (just prior to my typing my initial email). Talk to you next week! She never had sex before we got together, not even masturbation, because of her conservative upbringing. It annoyed him, I agreed with him and said I don't understand why she did it to that extreme either and he got mad at me. Its as if he has PTSD. I go out of my way to be nice to them and don't ever have disagreements with his family or anything. I don't expect her to be mean or rude but she doesn't have to go out of her way with the hugs, kisses and I love yous to the ex-wife( she has been the ex-wife for 19 years). :<))I did refer to the word "slam" in my initial post because I didn't want you to think I was trying to be too harsh with you. Whenever possible, speak to your in-laws directly. Over the years, I have learned a lot and maybe it will help you. He knew I was mad because normally i would keep on (I know bad habit). This is even more important as including him would likely be directly harming your own relatives. My question was posted because I don't know why my husband gets so defensive or upset over anything. When Your Husband Defends Another Woman - 6 Things To Do You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. It does bother me that she is like this because she knows what she is done and she knows it affects my husbad but I'm mad about how my husband reacts when I side with him or say anything about it. Q. So I dont feel sorry for him at all. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? Then next time you do eat at their house, you should feel free to be more direct to the girls.

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