I agree!! Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Try these instead. So if you say Im probably going to that new movie, they dont ask and youre not put on the spot. That would have been a really frightening prospect for me. Some other commenters have pointed out that sometimes people use this question as an conversation opener or in order to seem polite while they actually want to tell about their own plans. Other commenters have given great scripts. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. So, now give me my money back. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. Example: What are you doing? Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. They also influence how OFTEN. Just wow. IDK. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. My Kid: No (shuts door again) I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. Number 6 is my answer to " why don t u want to have kids ? How odd to be on both sides of this! I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. D- Dearest relaxing days. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) In that case, if they have already said theyre free, they might feel trapped into saying yes; I know I would. Its just one of the normal options. Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? Them: What are you doing this weekend? Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. Your feelings are your own and it sounds like What are you doing this weekend? has reached a point where hearing the question adds a ton of negativity to the interaction for you, which might be where this response is coming from? With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. It's to funny for everybody. There are still traces of that damage; Im still mad about it. (You could also just say no and keep going, but that can cause conflict with them, which you might or might not want.) If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. "You know I can do this anytime.". My mom recently moved from but why? to Ok, I guess you dont love me which is actually a sign things are going my way because its not a direct question. I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. Im not sure it would work on modern creepy dudes. That stuff just wears on people. My own mother STILL phrases things the way she did when I was a teen like, How would you like to take out the garbage? well, I wouldnt LIKE to take out the garbage at all! Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. Im trying to train her out of the habit. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). 53 Fun Things You Can Do This Weekend - LifeHack Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. 2. Someone responding with why do you ask? would basically make me instantly take a mental step back from that person in terms of comfort level. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. At the very least, it makes you feel like the place you live isnt really your homethat youll never belong or be from there, that you have no claim to it. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. You just need to say, like, Oh, not sure yet, how about you?. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? With new acquaintances, well often exchange We should hang out/get a drink/whatever sometime!s multiple times over a period of a few weeks or months before one of us says, Hey, Im going to Event on Friday, do you want to come? Its an intermediary step between I just met you and Lets hang out one-on-one at my request.. Your kids are loud. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. Or I hope this email finds you well. Updog. Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. picked up a shift right off the bat. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. Him: Good. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. Weekend gone! Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. No other adult would be here. But no one argues against working! She looks so comfortable. I compared to you older friends of mine I see ruining their relationships with their adult children through constant disrespect, but then being bewildered as to why things are going so badly. One girl mentioned the How are you? and said shed learned not to answer it truthfully because people dont actually care. All of us Americans responded that, well no, its not that we dont actually care. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. (Whether there will be some negative family fallback I dont know). The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. Its been pretty good policy.) Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. I have trouble entertaining myself sometimes, I definitely dont want to try to entertain babies and pets. Ive got some stuff to do around the house, etc. I am a Guess person, and that is not going to change (and I often feel annoyed at people who seem to think that it shouldmy brain wiring is okay, too! He hardly ever asks anymore though. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. People of just about any accent can turn up just about anywhere and be from there. So the reframing may help. I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. Any/all such inquiries get an automatic Unsure have to ask my other half., Sans that Id just go with Unsure. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. Him: Nothing fun? Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. I will have to remember, the next time I must declare myself to a new prospective partner, to offer up the alternative plan of talking about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes and then never bringing it up again. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. Work it like a weekend warrior! As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. Thats where I am as well with my kid. Him: What are your plans for the weekend? Ok. ( This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!) If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. So whats the fallout if I tell her I need her help with something, and she refuses without a good reason (because she wants to play Minecraft or listen to a podcast)? Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. When I was a teen or an adult who looked like a teen, I was very fond of, Ill have to ask my mother. I had as little to do with my mother as possible at the time, but I noticed this response was great at making creepy guys shrivel up and slink off. Yak shaving is a programming term, although Ive also seen it in other contexts. "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. Those things influence what I ask of my kid, and they influence how I ask it. When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". What are you doing this weekend? [I often go in around lunch time.] (I am also not her only parent, so I dont get to act unilaterally. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! Take care of your boundaries! 10 Funny Out of Office Messages You Will Want to Copy . To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being. Thanks! I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. Thursday is good for me. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. It was glorious. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. . I used to get caught by this question. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. What are you up to this weekend? (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. I also ignore We should hang out soon! It doesnt replace actually reaching out to me and trying to set up plans. Vulgarity from a total stranger is an instant turnoff. I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. 1. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. But yeah. I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. Her presence in this household is ONLY because of her family relationship. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! It leaves me an opening to decline politely once everything has been said. For an acquaintance, depends. And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. Spot on, thank you. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend.

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